Father, I see your hand in my life every day, and I wish to see your face. The angels are in awe of your glory, and my heart skips a beat when I think of the inevitability of your word.
My covenant will I not break, nor alter the thing that is gone out of my lips.
Psalms 89:34 KJV
You are the only one who can guarantee his words; thus, those whose clothing is not white will perish as you have said. Will I be reprimanded for my sinful nature, or will I reach the threshold and be found worthy?
I have experienced your power and witnessed the transformation of my heart, a manifestation of your courage and established my position in this world. I have experienced Adam’s sin and seen the magnitude of sin emerging from it. It is relentless in its pursuit to drag us all away from you.
A war of love vs lust
The world is wicked, and my brothers and sisters are few. I long for the ones who can see you the way you have shown me. My heart pains and I am angry to see the world hating you. Most of them do not even know why.
You are deliberately misunderstood and subsequently rejected. My heart has questioned these things for a long time, and you answered. How can I understand heavenly things when the boundaries of this earth limit my mind? Yet you teach me because I follow you. But what about those who do not follow? How can they understand?
There are always more questions than answers; nevertheless, your servants you refine in the fire. They glorify your name, and you stand firm by their side.
You never failed me and gave me more than I could have imagined. You opened the windows of heaven and the eyes of my mind. I have seen this world’s futility and its inhabitants’ fruitless pursuits.
Why?
You freed me and gave me so much for only keeping your commands. You promised even more than my limited mind can understand. I feel inadequate for my pitiful attempt at honouring you, yet you give me more.
My heart trembles—I tremble. Should I get these earthly benefits and lose the war? The treasures I desire are those in heaven, but uncovered skin entices my flesh. I make a covenant with my eyes, but in front of my eyes, they parade hedonism perpetually. I want to work for you, and I can feel your hand guiding me, but I fear what I do is not enough.
Your hand remains steadfast on me, and you guide my steps. So many times, you corrected my wrong steps, tempered my voice, and guided my pen. You let me learn—you teach, strengthening my spirit, my heart and my hand. You gave me an incredible family and also, in you, a genuine friend.
How great a God you are to lift my head from the daily pursuit to show me the enormity of the war raging everywhere. You showed me the deceitfulness of those sitting in high places. The world is burning, and everyone tramples it down in pursuing greed. It is a lawless place, having abandoned the laws of God.
I have seen the delusion and soul-binding grip of religion, vanity and money—the delusions and control of the media. You have shown me that completeness is only with you and that many will be lost. To see these truths was almost overwhelming, but you held me together.
Your wrath will extend to some close to me—they are stubborn and lazy. They will die a proverbial 5th death. I stare into the abyss with tears falling into my water-filled glass, watching them try to save me through religion while they refuse to embrace you—God.
Those who blaspheme your name anger me. They openly speak abominations against you. Take your glory and smear it deliberately. They disrespect and judge you from a perspective of ignorance. With closed eyes, they ridicule. Am I wrong to wish they suffer the pain that will eventually come to many?
I pray for them because you commanded that I do. Should I want their destruction for what they have done? Your mercy is great and far more generous than mine. What can I say to the world to show them that everything is done against your commandments? There is no coincidence in the straightness of their path towards destruction.
I wish you would speak to me face to face to reassure me because I do not measure up. I don’t deserve your grace, but I wish for it as I continue to grasp at perfection. On my knee, I beg you to let me be a light that will stand tall for you even in the darkest days, alone or, better yet, with your family standing beside me.
