She forgot about that prayer for a while. A selfish prayer fueled by the fire under her ass (not her donkey, but rather her behind) and the desire to have supernatural powers. How childish. Nevertheless, she prayed for it in ignorance, arrogance, and naivety. She wanted to see the supernatural with the Most High standing behind her.

The fire inside her wanted to dive into areas that would scare the sleep out of most people. This fire relentlessly drove her—or was it light? Whatever it was, it lit a path and pushed her down it. She didn't know where the road would lead but was going anyway.

She looked into the mirror and saw an insane person staring back at her. What was happening to her? What was the source of this unstoppable urge? She transformed into a new person in full view of the world’s eyes, but they did not accept her. Whatever was happening pushed her away from them; it hauled, shoved, tugged, and pushed her forward. But where? How could she stop this transformation? Did she want to?

Had she known in retrospect what the cost would be, would she have tussled to be let off this ride? Would she have jumped out of that moving car? Surely that cost would be less! Would it, though? Those with trust would say that it costs far less to stay on the ride, but those who look back at the world would exclaim, “The cost is too high”, and hightail it out of that car immediately.

As quickly as she was lit, she was doused with water. The passion that had fueled her to make that prayer was out. She could not understand where the desire came from and why it disappeared. It was like having a soulmate torn from your inner being. She felt guilty, inadequate and empty. She had committed to this journey and now look. It doesn't seem fair. Where did the light go? She prayed for the light—“the morning star”, and that calming hand that came with it, but there was no answer. Could she have been wrong?

So many questions and so few answers.

If she is supposed to walk this path, how come the fire had been put out? She stumbled along, but she could feel the life draining from her body. She was unhappy about the dimming light, but fighting against the tide of the world without that hand was impossible. What was she going to do?

In the blink of an eye, the fire was back, pushing in a different direction. She was just along for the ride, taking it as it came because she had no idea what was happening.

She was just happy to have that steady ship back under her feet.

The years passed, and the sweat poured from her brow. She thought of all the discarded remnants of her life. In her wake was a battleground of dead pieces of her life scattered with disdain for where they landed. Who was doing this? It had cost a lot without any end in sight. The ante kept rising, even when she didn't think she had any more to give. Nonetheless, it extracted another piece.

If this was the journey to light, she pondered why she couldn't see anyone else giving up everything. She yearned for a companion, but the more the fire opened her eyes, the more she could see the blind stumbling. She could see those who were not on the same side as her.

She didn't understand what she was being shown at first. She didn't know how she was being led. The guide didn't speak like ordinary people, and even though he could tell her, he wouldn't. He showed her many things and pointed her to read the book. With a fierce countenance, he chastised, and with eyes of incredible depth, he loved her. She felt weak and confused. She felt like giving up at times. She had invested so much and now knew the cost of giving up. She couldn't do it.

Why couldn't he just speak like everybody else? She would believe him. Then it came to her—would she be able to resist when they came at her in full force? Would she have the conviction and presence of mind, body and spirit to call on him always? Would it be her identity to lean on him and understand that he cannot be defeated, and therefore, the world could not defeat her?

She slumped in her chair in defeat. She was not smart enough, strong enough, or enough of anything. She stared in a daze. Despite her shock at the many things revealed to her, she knew it was only the tip of the iceberg. She enlisted in his army and yielded to the general—there was no other way. Whatever he said, that she would do.

Had she known the cost, would she have started the journey!?

He was building her, making her stronger and wiser. She talked to him all the time. Was she crazy, she wondered? That ship had already sailed. He told her what to do and when to do it, and other times, he let the past lessons guide her footsteps. She laughed when she thought of another prayer, which she prayed: "Abba if it is not your will, destroy it." The next day, she couldn't stop laughing; he had destroyed it.

If she didn't understand, she would cry. She wasn’t crazy after all—in her own eyes, anyway.

She took a second look with new eyes at the people around her. She could not believe what she was seeing, and she imagined him smiling at her and was comforted. Oh, how he had answered her prayer many years ago, but not in the way she expected. She expected the television’s (which she had given up years ago) depictions of demons. Her jaws dropped wide open in shock.

They were everywhere!

They walked around with smug smiles, feasting on the things of this world. They signalled to each other cleverly and architected the cogs of the world. They were large and small. They were your neighbour and your governor. They always wanted to lead from the front—to guide the flock. They operated with one goal—their eyes were single. She put her head in her hands, and she was going to cry. We were being…, she caught herself. They were devouring the people. The world was blind and being eaten alive.

She knew the prey would not believe her if she told them, and she also knew that her guide did not do anything without a purpose.

She realised how few would walk this path and how important each one was to him.

She knew people would take it as a metaphor or an allegory, but she also knew that one would see it for what it was. Literal. She wanted to show them the way, but now she understood she could not. Not really. There is only one who knows the way. He puts her face to face with the enemy, showing her how much they hate him and fight against him. He revealed to her how they identify allies and plan generations. He had her look them in the eyes, but she was there to learn, not to fight.

She was sad, and she loved him.

If two from a city are saved, that would be a miracle.

If she knew the cost, would she have taken the ride? She counted the cost and understood it costs everything.

There is a tug on my shirt as a bag brushes against my back. I get a little shove as another person pushes past me, racing to catch the train. My legs are weary from the daily hustle. I feel the gushing winds descending the escalator in my everyday game of chasing the train. I am tired, but what else can I do? The bliss of ignorance is the preferred medicine to the pain of realisation.

Seeing my colleagues made my skin crawl when I got to the office, but I managed a smile. The workplace soirée is a cruel mistress; you play her games or find yourself served on her platter. This was the beginning of my daily torture session, as I felt in my bones how out of place I was in this theatre.

Why do I do this to myself?

This is what life is. There was no other place to go.

I either go along with the crowd or find myself shunned and miserable—sell my soul to enjoy the comforts of the cage.

I thought about the world outside this cage and the things that mattered. What is the point of chasing dreams of money and ambition? Wasn't this programmed into each of us, churned out of the womb, funnelled through the system, and spat out to die when our batteries ran flat?

On the other hand, what else is there?

I thought about what else I could be a part of. The other things on offer were not so palatable, but the cult of the need to belong is a powerful master. I thought of one of the multitudes of communities: the couch potato, the gamer, the sporting enthusiast, the fornicator, the churchgoer, the atheist, the pub and club junky, the outcast, the esoteric and the dark arts, private groups or exclusive clubs, or even the rebellious. You name it, and there was a silo readymade and commercialised for me to enter.

Perhaps I could mix a few for an exotic drink and call it an alternative lifestyle. I elicit a chuckle. Nonetheless, these religions left you still feeling empty even after the cleverly cloaked false motivational testimonies and the paying of fees.

A goldfish bowl of a world.

The grind of walking this path is constant. I am hated by the prisoner who acts unknowingly as the guard for his cell. This guy commits suicide with vitriol and fury, fighting for a kingdom carefully crafted to ensnare him. He dies an eternal death with the bravado of a superhero while his entourage cheers him on—dying for the devil.

I now understood that the blindfold plastered over the world's eyes was serious. I suffered now at the hands of the blind. Still, the suffering in store for them was not merely staring at eternity head-on but knowing there was no way back—the opportunity had passed. They know that they fought against the glory of God, and the wine of his wrath will be poured out in full.

The creator only wants white linens—only righteousness, but looking at myself; I can see only filth. I was in a daily battle with the adversary in my thoughts. The more wisdom I was given, the more foolish I felt. How do I pick myself up, knowing I was a fool all my life? I knew the end of days would not be slowed for me, but I felt overwhelmed and inadequate.

I hope there is a plan for me; otherwise, I am royally up the creek without a paddle. I know there is, but it requires me to move and commit.

I am frustrated to see so much, and I thank God for peeling my eyes open. If not, the same fate as the blind leading the blind and ending up in the ditch awaited me. It is such a blessing to know the truth, considering the ordeal the world puts you through, having to walk in it every minute of the day.

Painstaking!

The bliss of ignorance has long passed, and the brutal reality of this existence has smacked me square in the face. God's requirements and his insistence on total trust are sinking in. I know he values me and knows what I need, but knowing and living are different.

He demands living knowledge—a living sacrifice.

I must change my life in line with what he imparts. I wondered if I doubted but still walked if that counted. Maybe if I walk long enough, the doubt will fade away. Only time will tell.

I knew this was the real deal. When even the crazy think you are insane, you know you are deep. In retrospect, hearing the rhetoric of faith, trust, and obedience and now having to do it proves very difficult. My unlawful—sinful thoughts take hold of my life and try to strangle me as I wrestle. I cannot give up, not now!

Each time I am about to drown, a hand pulls me out of the water and reminds me what is at stake.

Oh God, how will I make it through?

I am not good enough for you and know too much for this world.

The hard days.

The society and church where I was raised fostered men and women whose predominant thoughts were focused on their sexual desires. It was a society born and persisted in captivity of their carnal desires. Everyone from their youth was obsessed with conquering the opposite sex. Tragically, so much time is wasted on an endeavour that will defile oneself and hamper many aspects of living an unencumbered future.

The inevitable question is, why is society so skewed towards evil but outwardly claims to pursue God?

Religion was a chore that I was forced to do as a youth. It had no value; undoubtedly, many others viewed it similarly. It was a superficial activity emphasising “Christian” rituals—practices, events, thoughts, etc., without meaning and purpose. While mentioned often, God was a tool that never went beyond the trivial; never any depth provided that would foster intense thoughts and conversations.

The walk of life confronts everyone with a decision of whether to go along or forge a different path. Figuring out the right way, to put it mildly, is impossible. Nevertheless, we must all choose a path since we must all move forward. Walking in the footprint in the snow is easier, but the correct path is not always easy or popular.

The way must be chosen on principle and a “philosophy of life”, which I did.

I do not like the world; thus, there was no incentive to choose it. The world is despicable, where the love of money has destroyed the moral fibre and promoted hypocrisy masked as benevolence. The masses wear a facade of virtue, but in their hearts, they are ravenous wolves devouring everyone in their paths for an extra penny.

Starting the walk with God

At the start of my walk with God, the two key factors I required were:

1. God had to be opposite to the world

2. He must have demonstrable power to defeat this world

Opposite to the World

I saw people consumed with greed, deceit, lust and wickedness everywhere. They never take a break or miss a beat in their obsession with acquiring material possessions. No morality exists; everything is up for sale to receive monetary gains. The sheer thrust on getting money and fulfilling carnal desires is on the level of insanity. We live in a blinkered world chasing an illusion and unable to see that it is an effort in futility.

The God I choose must be different from the world around me. The world is not what I want, and to continue the quest for the flesh is the same as accepting death. It is better to end this suffering than to inhabit a world bent on destroying the body and the soul for trinkets.

The God of Power

Religions came calling when I was awakened to the reality that there must be more to life than what I saw around me. They all claimed that they were the right way to God. Like whores they tout their wares, all with subtle and soft lips tugging on my shirt sleeves to enter their dens of fornication.

Still, why not?

Although religions claim power through their gods and gurus, I have yet to see this power manifest in the lives of their followers. All I have seen is the indulgence in the world and following its systems in the pursuit of money. There was no power on display in these man-made institutions but only comfort for the fearful members while pickpocketing them using adrenaline rushes and fear.

The God I sought was not in these institutions, but he found me outside in my despair. I was like a reed blowing in the wind; I knew not whether I was coming or going. If he hadn’t found me and demonstrated his power, I would have been lost with dull eyes that could lead to destruction.

God manifested his power by completely transforming my life in front of the world. My thoughts, actions, desires and joys all changed beyond recognition. The change is so evident that a blind dog could see the Spirit emanating from my bones.

God subsequently manifested even more power by covering and showing me that he was real, a power so sublime that the peace which enveloped me was like no other. All worldly thoughts dissipated like smoke ascending in the crosswinds of a Texas plain. Peace like no other, with all my worries disappearing in an exhale.

This power breeds conviction and submission.

The Lies of the World

I heard the words spoken in the world about the God of heaven, saying he is cruel, malignant, misogynistic and a terrible being. Having checked for myself through His Word, I found this false. He was the opposite.

There are amazing promises offered.

^13. And whatsoever ye shall ask in my name, that will I do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son.
^14. If ye shall ask any thing in my name, I will do it.

John 14:13-14 (KJV)

He offered to grant anything you asked as long as you asked in his name. The easiest way to see the demonstration of his power is to ask something in his name. Nonetheless, the world does not want to ask, having to walk under his authority, since doing so will mean they must abandon their sins and their life.

He is the opposite of the god of this world, who is wanton with sin and offers nothing good. Despite having nothing good to offer, the world flocks to him without fear of consequence. Living like this means hating your brother and your neighbour, where dogs replace the companionship of human beings.

Nobody can be trusted in this cesspool of the love of money breeding all evils.

Ask In his NAME

His name is to operate under his authority. To abide by his will, instructions, laws, commandments and nature. To pursue his goal and not your own.

His commandments instruct us not to tempt (test) God (Matthew 4:7, Deuteronomy 6:16, Exodus 17:2, Exodus 20:7), but this is irrelevant if we submit to his desires. Ask not what God can do for you but what you can do to fulfil his will.

Jesus glorified God when resurrecting Lazarus through the power of God (John 11:40-44). We also are to glorify God by shining our lights as branches of the tree, Jesus.

God clears every obstacle and guides you, so long as you have the discipline to keep his commandments and operate under his name, and he will manifest himself to you (John 14:20-21).

The experience

God’s revelations to those who serve him can be overwhelming, and sometimes the rollercoaster ride gets too much. After seeing the poisoned hearts, the greed, corruption and the extent of the beast that has wrapped this world, I took a breath to assimilate and continued walking with him.

I see the daily attack on God every day and the spewing of Baali (Hosea 2:16) from the mouths in such blasphemous and vile disregard. It saddens my heart to hear and see the disrespect of the Highest and the mass death march of souls (Isaiah 5:14).

This journey is daunting, and we all seek solace in the crowd at some point. I sought comfort in walking with others, but the constant and firm nudge of the Spirit in my heart led elsewhere. His voice was soft and gentle but persistent, saying I should not take this course. I understand now that the voice of God is always in line with his Word, and any other voice is a liar. This voice made it clear that walking alone would be the fate I had to endure.

The Call

One evening, I was about to order a takeaway. It is convenient and easy, offering various cuisines that excite the palate and satiate the stomach. I had been on the journey of separation for a while, but I did not know how much God wanted me to separate from the world.

I asked God for direction, requesting direct intervention if this is what is required. Let it be that I cannot speak with this takeaway establishment if this is what you want. After dialling, confident that the matter was out of my hands and in God’s hands, the phone rang twice, then disconnected. I looked at the phone, completely stunned, which read, “couldn’t connect”. I dialled again, but it didn’t ring this time; it just said it couldn’t connect.

God demonstrated his power by answering my prayer. In my heart, I was committed to doing whatever he asked of me in total submission to his will. No matter how the “real-world” logic rationalises this experience, it was clear that this God was real and powerful.

God specified what to eat in his commands. And even though I thought the food I was about to order was in line with this, he had different ideas. There is something about these foods, possibly the ingredients, that do not conform to the instructions of God.

Am I righteous?

I have sinned many times on this journey, but I have purposed in my heart with determination to walk the path set before me by God. I have repented with sincerity, and I walk following his word. He has rewarded me with wisdom and has opened my eyes to the utter depravity of this world. The hearts of men and the state of this world are as black as Night.

I will call his name Ishi and not Baali—be damned all who oppose Him and his servants

I follow the Sun—the bright morning star, where I do not stumble and work during the day.

The negro speaks.

When you look at me, you see the stereotype of the world. You know what and who the world says I am, but your old eyes cannot discern my soul and the spirit within me. The smog-filled air around has blackened your eyes—you cannot see.

I look at you with wise eyes and dark skin, seeing society's shame. My feet walk by unconcerned and unsympathetic—I don't care. I cannot see the spirit within you and your soul that shone passionately, crying out. That smog-filled air blackens my eyes—I cannot see.

When we both heard of God, we scoffed—we were too busy with life. He was fake, a lie; he was there to control. The television, religion and our neighbours all testified to this. Oh, how persuasive to be accepted can be. To be taken into the fold of the many and not be left out in the cold abyss of loneliness. So we go along willingly—eagerly with the crowd.

Now, I look at you again with new eyes. I see a person swallowed up by the world and left to die. Consumed by the lies of the world. I see the slaying of a beautiful soul drowned by the wicked waters. My heart now overflows with pain; my tongue, anew, speaks only with love.

Now, look at me again—look with new eyes. I want you to see a servant of the Most High God, not the person you were told I was. See the spirit within me that shines through because of his mercy and love. See the nature of my soul so that you may see the light of the one I serve.

Now, look at the God of heaven. Now your eyes are opened, and the smog has cleared. Understand that they lied about him also. When you cry, he hears. You will find him when you search with the same desire as the pain you cried. He hears the prayers of the righteous—those ready to honour his name, truth, authority, and the discipline of his laws.

The world is a lie, but he is real. He cannot be found in the Church, on the TV, in books, or within religious or secular institutions. You see, if he could be found there, then the world would not hate you. They would lift you up and not walk past. If the world scoffs at you and scoffs at God, then the world hates you and hates God. The world and God are not the same. Why do you listen to the world and not God when the world treats you and God the same?

They hate him passionately, and only a few will find the way. He will change your life away from the world. In this world, it will be tough to stand for truth—for God. It requires you to trust that he will clear the path when you walk in his name—under his authority and in his character.

And he will!

Just look at me, whom you once stereotyped. I am his testament.

I am as fierce as the lion within me and gentle as the dove, which has softened my heart. Also, I am wise, but only through him. The world hates you, and the world hates him. The world loved you when you walked with it but threw you away when you departed.

Love the master who loves you, walk with the master who guides you, stay with the master who picks you up when you stumble and honour the master who will honour and open for you the doors to his kingdom.

Your time is now.